Gay Adoption: Ready Set Wait

As previously published by The Next Family at thenextfamily.com

By Trey Darnell

Matt and Trey on a fall walk through the woods with Matt’s sister Dulaney.

Hurry up and wait.  I am not sure there is a better phrase to describe the adoption process.  There is no known equation to determine how long the wait might last.  The time spent waiting has the potential to lead some down a path of self-reflection and endless questioning.  I often see posts made by other waiting families that have even started questioning whether they will become parents at all.  An adoption agency, a facilitator, and an attorney put in a lot of effort in representing their waiting families equally and positively.  A waiting family can and should help promote their wish to adopt.  The goal is standing out to that one expecting mom.

There are countless articles, blogs and recommendations for what a person could and might want to do while waiting to meet an expecting family.  Designing picture books and profile brochures.  Printing business cards with all of your contact information.  Email, Facebook and Twitter, oh my!  A simple Google search will produce thousands of pages of families and people who are trying to navigate their way through adoption.  When we wrote our first draft of our profile letter it was twice as long as our agency recommended.  I must say it is very difficult to condense everything you want to say in fewer than 1,000 words.

The front cover of Matt and Trey’s adoption marketing material.

As a same-sex couple, Matthew and I have a unique opportunity to share our story of growing our family through adoption.  Instead of marketing ourselves as a couple hoping to adopt, we have a platform to promote gay couples parenting in general.  There has been no greater moment than now for us to open up about our lives.  Today, the Supreme Court will begin hearing testimony and discussions about marriage equality.  Now is the time for Matthew and me to share and speak.  When we started the adoption process, it was our wish to grow our family with a child and three months into our wait it has become much more than we could have imagined.

This past week we received an invitation to share our adoption story with H.E.R.O.E.S., a LGBTQ support group for students at East Tennessee State University.  This wonderful group meets weekly and works to promote equality through advocacy, education, and support.  Going into the evening, we both expected to give a few statistics and answer several questions.  Thirty minutes turned into an hour that quickly reached an hour and a half.  We both left the meeting feeling proud and encouraged.  Any apprehension we might have felt about opening up and sharing the ups and downs we have experienced quickly vanished for both of us.  We never thought of ourselves as activists but we hope by sharing our story that it will educate and make it easier for those who come after us.  Adoption will be part of us for a lifetime.

Our local newspaper asked permission to visit our home to interview us about adopting.  There were several concerns but we were very optimistic about how our community would relate to the story.  The interview turned from one scheduled morning into two separate days with a photographer.  We gained a friend and ally in the journalist -whether the story printed or not.

Matt and Trey share their journey to adoption with the Johnson City Press

Waiting for Baby – Local Couple Look to Adopt ran in a recent Sunday edition and by mid-afternoon we had received an email from a same-sex couple in our area.  Excitement was the only way to describe how we felt about them reaching out to us.  This adorable, sweet couple shared their rollercoaster journey to adoption and showed excitement in ours.  Our biggest concerns when starting the adoption process were the home study and the finalization process.  They were successful in two adoption finalization hearings for a same-sex couple in East Tennessee and were eager to share their contacts and experiences to make it easier for us.  Matthew and I are thankful to the Johnson City Press for sharing our story because it allowed this couple to find us.  Reaction from the article has been nothing but positive.

Not trying to sound cliché, but the truth is, the wait will be as long as it will be.  We have no idea the length until we look back and reminisce.  This is just one small step in our journey to parenthood.  For now, we will share our story and happily promote the positives of gay parenting.  We are very thankful for the support from our community and feel blessed by those that are now a part of this adventure with us.  Adoption touches so many lives in so many ways and being able to hear the joys and the heartache provides more encouragement and optimism for us both.  Excitement is filling us as we continue to speak.  The truth is we will not have much time when the kiddo finally arrives.

-Trey

Find out more about Matt and Trey’s adoption journey at mattandtreyadopt.com

Traditional Equals Boring

As Previously Published by The Next Family at thenextfamily.com

Matt & Trey @ In-N-Out Burger

Hello! We are Matthew and Trey from Johnson City, Tennessee, and we are adopting. We are a same-sex couple hoping to grow our family through open adoption. The hope of sharing our story is to give you a glimpse into our life, the adoption process for a same-sex couple, and the positive message of becoming gay parents.

Here is a very quick introduction. Matt is employed as a Registered Nurse and I am flying high as a Commercial Airline Captain. Matthew was born in Glendora, California and I am a native of Kingsport, Tennessee. Our story, as a couple, began in 2007 through the power of MySpace. (I am almost certain that got a few giggles.) Our connection sparked over a picture of Matthew in front of an In-N-Out Burger restaurant. We share our home with two cats named Barbara and Beezer. To be completely honest, they allow us to live with them. Matthew and I are best friends and we laugh a lot. We enjoy being competitive with each other, and we are very excited to become fathers. Do you want to know a guilty pleasure of ours? Nerf gun wars in the house.

Our journey to becoming parents started in August 2012 while on a road trip to Charlotte, North Carolina to- apologies to Crate & Barrel, Restoration Hardware, and West Elm- visit Ikea. Matthew wanted to browse through the modern-looking furniture, and I wanted the Swedish meatballs. We already had the usual criteria before starting a family, like solid careers, a large enough home, a big yard, and financial stability. So there we were in a Holiday Inn in Charlotte, North Carolina when we looked at each other and said, “Let’s adopt!”

What does anyone do when they want to find out how to do something? Google it. Excitement, giddiness and optimism were all reactions that we had. We did our due diligence researching the process of adopting, possible agencies, and the differences in open and closed adoptions. We decided on adoption over a surrogacy to prevent the choice of who would be the biological father. Matthew and I are indecisive when trying to decide where to have dinner; we could only imagine the process of deciding who would be the sperm donor. (It is a little embarrassing typing “sperm”.) Emails and information requests allowed the excitement to build. At this point, it was way past midnight and we needed sleep before our return home the next morning.

While still feeling the euphoria of all the positive information we obtained from our online research, we didn’t float back to Earth; we came crashing down. Matthew and I received the following email from a prominent domestic adoption agency,

Mr. Darnell,

Thanks for asking about our Domestic Program at Bethany Christian Services.
Our agency has not proven to be the best fit for same sex couples, as the birthparents looking to make an adoption plan for their child through Bethany are overwhelmingly looking for more traditional, married couples to place with. That tends to be the reason they come to our agency as opposed to working with other secular or public agencies. I certainly do not wish to mislead you or “just take your money” when the chances of receiving a placement would be unlikely. As you live in the Tri Cities, I would recommend that you contact Harmony Adoptions, Youth Villages or the Dept. of Children’s Services office in your area. These agencies, I believe, could serve you well.

A traditional married couple? Really? We would never fit into that category. Our state does not recognize marriage, civil unions, or domestic partnerships of same-sex couples. Questions of doubt started to form. What family would choose us? How will we ever be parents? What are people going to think and say? The email was not meant as hurtful but it was successful in being destructive. Now what do we do?

As I sit here with two cats staring at me, I can tell you we are proud of not being a traditional couple, and we feel ecstatic about our journey to becoming dads. How does one go from a pessimistic view to a very optimistic attitude? Exactly what anyone would do: go on vacation. So we took a weekend trip to Atlanta, Georgia to attend a free monthly informational session offered by the Independent Adoption Center (IAC). We were both surprised to learn that it was also the same weekend of Atlanta Gay Pride. I personally had never been to a gay pride event. Did you know Dykes on Bikes always start a gay pride parade?

I can honestly say that weekend with the IAC and the Pride events changed everything for us. Today we are proud to declare we are a same-sex Christian couple from East Tennessee, and we are on the way to becoming fantastic parents. The journey will consist of adoption and then eventually marriage. Can anyone say shotgun wedding? They say traditional. We say boring!

Matt & Trey @ Dollywood